gateway

sometimes
i take the long
way home
to pass by
my childhood roads
yesterday,
i saw the face
of north 40th street
change
how badly i
still want it
to exist
flatlined
into cement
memories
over 2 decades old
now curbside rubble
for the next
20 year show
the nostalgia
permeates
i now fathom
the heartbreak of
razed
from bombs
to gentrification
the distinct removal
of the tangible
only left living
in the presence of memory
and
street view
i chase away
sadness knowing
somewhere
it still stands

inflight, in fight

you have no idea
do you


could i find refuge
in the nest of you
a safe place
to leave face
a safe place
to fall apart
to let myself go
even if just
for a mo

but you can't see
through me
you don't
i so desperately desire
the man of my
release
compatible symmetry
i've been
lost like a
dandelion spur
drifting until
i land

get well flowers crumble
the life of ago disintegrates
into the shortest month
the high erased
from the voice of strength
calm comes clean
and leaves despair
to the beeping machines
no one said it'd be easy
i've come so close
from not being far away
pinned to the sake
you make waves
and you play
with an eagle's fame
spilling over the shape of things
easy like a snake
because primal doesn't change
no, no
the pattern cannot stay

you are not who i am
she is not who i was
looking into the great divide
the open sky
spread like chance
open handed
dance
you are not to blame
for
you
desert speak
in teary eyed dreams
daring the kings
to dance
for
you
because we say goodbye
doesnt mean
the ripples dont stain

horses

I got me some horses
to ride on, to ride on
they say that your demons can't go there
so I got me some horses
to ride on, to ride on
as long as your army keeps perfectly still

And maybe I'll find me a sailor
a tailor
and maybe together we'll make mother well
so I got me some horses
to ride on, to ride on
as long as your army
keeps perfectly still

You showed me the meadow
and Milkwood and Silkwood
and you would if I would
but you never would
so I chased down your posies
your pansies in my hosies
then opened my hands and they were empty then

Off with Superfly
sniffing a Sharpie pen
honey it's Bill and Ben
off with Superfly
counting your bees
oh me honey like
one two three
the camera is rolling
it's easy like one, two, three

And if there is a way to find you
I will find you
but will you find me if Neil makes me a tree
an afro, a pharaoh
I can't go, you said so
and threads that are golden don't break easily

I got me some horses
to ride on, to ride on
they say that your demons can't go there
so I got me some horses
to ride on, to ride on
as long as your army keeps perfectly still




-Tori Amos

no definitely

she flutters
at the difficulty
the easy breath
is a thing of the past

pull me out of it
i can't dance
around it
the covers mix
palomino

the sounds of suction
beeps of living

hands fumbled
in misdirection

the grip comes from
the left

cannot coordinate

a voice one does not recognize

only one eye
on to keep
spasm

big girl shoes
trudge through

monitor

who guilty living
while she's stuck
barely there


tomorrow is indeed
a question
a possibility

there is no definitely

could that be the cause of it

gray matter
seeps the sky
darkens my heart
the heaviness filters
black and white light
i debate
little things
an uncapitalized letter left
a garment worn
or not
material
superstition
that could
save or break
a way i can
seemingly
manuever
change
the gray lining
is all around
its seeping
where i can't see now
where i can't reach
daily vigils
chasing haunts
uncertainty looms
guilt pulls from below

falling off, growing up

and another flower falls
that's two down
the third will
follow soon
and still
ripe buds
swell
even if
in the shade
dual stems
flowering
dying
and living
all the same
reaching towards
the sunshine
of brighter
days

tiger eye

twas friday the 13th indeed
but it depends on how you read
another day versus
coincidence
that i am still in the
same sweat
and clothes as
friday morning
between
art and midnight
strapless
and hopeful
flat and jacked
on brick paved
streets
2 tired
empty
blunt delays
by 4 am
i'm spared
and on my way
the end of the
night
always comes
no matter thirteens
i have an
upright thumb

momma

a prayer
a wish
a spell
whatever
is sent
to the heavens
i hope
it makes
you well

repression

sick from
swallowed emotion
the spit fire
indigestion
of life lessons
upchuck
the worry
upchuck
the awkward
upchuck
all i can't say
upchuck
insolence
nasty way
of
still stomaching

runnin'

Run to the place you know is home
Come lately come alone
I'll be waiting, I'll be waiting for you
Midnight rendez-vous
Round the back where
I'll meet you, just do what you do
I'll meet you, just do what you do

Run to the place you know is home
Come lately and alone

I am afraid of many things,
I am afraid I have to fight the fears
sometimes I am afraid to walk the streets
Sometimes I am afraid to talk to people
Sometimes I am afraid to be whom
Sometimes I am afraid I lost contact with [my family, my mother and my brother]
Sometimes I am afraid to be all that you can be, all that I can be
I have seen into another lifetime upon all the lifetime

Run to the place you know is home
Come lately come alone

Run to the place you know is home
Come lately come alone

Fall apart
Sometimes I need to
Fall apart
Sometimes I need to

Sometimes I need to fall apart
Sometimes we need to fall apart
Somtimes we need, we need to

Would you fall apart for me
Would you fall apart from me

Would you bring together all that is good between you (between you) and me

Gotta keep on runnin
I gotta keep on runnin
Gotta keep on runnin
I wanna keep on runnin
Gotta keep on runnin

Run to the place you know is home
Hide in the shadow of my soul

Run to the place you know is home
Hide in the shadow of my soul
Come lately and alone

Trust in these things
Loyalty, responsibility

Loyalty, responsibility hopeless
Be responsibly hopeless

Trust in these things
Loyalty responsibility determination determination loyalty
trust in these things

these are the things I hope
feel inside
what about the rest? Yes yes

some men like his music blue

some men like jello
I can love ur music too
for you were a fine fellow
To be paid with so much so
Tears right from my eyes
It is no surprise
we were together at the ball
and pple do this pple do that pple just regret the fact that life is so
Do you know the power that grows
Do you know the power that flows
Do you know the power that grows and dissolves

keep on runnin
I got to keep on runnin
I wanna keep on runnin
I gotta keep on runnin

Run to the place you know is home
Come lately and alone
Come lately and alone
Run to the place you know is home
Come lately and alone


-FFD

you
with the candy cane
intentions
yes
you
come
closer

donuts

oh donuts. sweet donuts.
i love you mauricios.
lynne, i can't wait.
the bird in you
chirps
ever closer.
come hither
under the wing
of the free
and true
come with us
to find you.
and donuts.

27 Thangs

I wasn't going to do this, but I was tagged by several people on the social networks of myspace and facebook. So I decided to do it and post it here as well. Instead of the 25 or 28, I am doing 27 since that is the age I will be this year:

1. I hate Styrofoam.
2. I think about being with Ariel in New Zealand at least once a day.
3. I am scared of not having a job.
4. I still want to travel the world for at least a year. I’d prefer to do this with a girlfriend. More adventures occur with friends.
5. I tend to make men into myths.
6. I would like to spend at least a minimum of 3 months in a Spanish speaking country so I can learn the language and have bilingual children.
7. I wish I remembered more dreams.
8. I still want to sky dive before I am 30.
9. My forgiveness is a fickle bitch.
10. I feel different everyday. It makes committing like a shot in the dark.
11. One of my strangest fears is that I will lose my glasses when/if Armageddon comes.
12. I think about punching someone in the face at least once a day.
13. Being the first person at a red light makes me happy.
14. I miss smelling the gardenias at Tampa Palms.
15. I love the ocean, especially the drive over the Howard Frankland that generally precedes it.
16. I wish I had a better sister. That’s why my friends are so valuable to me. They are my sisters instead. I find my reasons for being reflected in their faces.
17. I like having plans to look forward to.
18. I have too many ongoing personal projects. They kind of suffocate me.
19. Sometimes I am too nice for my own good.
20. I’m still kind of pissed I wasn’t born with any natural talents besides guessing.
21. I enjoy gardening and growing very much.
22. I have dreamt the future.
23. 70% dark chocolate is just right.
24. Things not flushed (aligned) irk me.
25. I wish I was an early bird, but like my grandmother, I am a night owl.
26. I cannot stop myself from compulsively eating tootsie rolls if they are around.
27. I care more than you think.

no one is home
no she is not there
anymore
too many hospital beds
in one week
too many dying shes
under the guise
of january
the name of the game
is muerte
turn over
palm and up
over fork over
calling my blood
the spirits of brick
50/50
tartan schtick
even rodents
know the route
of late night
trains
the way
tracks are paved
and wins made
every ounce
put into it
the virtue of
casting
for
shit

vis-u

visualize
the science
of the third eye
seeing
beyond
to the
space between
seeing the
treasure
at the end
of the rainbow
lucky
lucky
lucky
me
to live
and
to breathe
to have
hands
means
and
dreams
visualize
my life
a shining
needle point
and thread
weaving
between
souls
building
the warmest coat
safe from
the cold
and buttoned in
for the ride
in and out tide
now is the time
and nothing is
gonna stop me