i'm living a life
so far away from her lips
but i can taste the salt
of my longing

remember the she

remember when i
looked forward to
black screens
and midnight rendez vous
that silent girl
world on world
so simple
and complex
with her dirty feet
and gnashing teeth
so two thousand and
complete
but these days of
becking ham
sometimes eleven times
before
reset
with enough black
to cover an axis
or forge a friend
depending upon allegiance
and subtle glance
maketh a mirage
out of combine dust
smile to the
sad warmth
of going forth
kidding all the shapes
as they slosh
in tight fabrics
in overturned whispers
of shes
of whose
of his
hehe
knowing its
so not she
with brown rims
and poetic
disposition
anchoring for a world before
symbols pointed skyward
and the sighs
and quiet rumbles
created shadows
clanging the clink
of underneath
rhythm
of a life's hymn
singing the song
of wishing
again and again

the reel turns
over street
oneyed relief
to sucking
culture as one
to cigarillos
one to travel
and one to brickstone
passing over
like april
in july
characters over high
and sounding asian
why's
to tears and years
caught
inbetween steers
pulsing magical escapes
and childish promenades
behind 47 garden doors
basement beliefs
to birthday brunches
breaking barriers of because
and not enough
silently
stilettoeting
warmth
from closed doors
abhor the trivial
for the inexplicable of
joy overun
by sounds not over sung
and thoughts
Jung
beginning beginning
night scream
and train trolley
where doubles
are astray
and 23rd gives way
to last cycles
of heroes
present
effervescent
to climatic
kitsch
it is
it is
blister
bliss
without tis
or
tiff
silent stance squinting
romance
this london dance

Tampa Street

trains and humming engines
make night symphonies
with the buzzing of
orange street lamps
and crickets

from checkered floors
and diagonal slates
outlooks my new view

routines have yet to settle
like the piles of
boxes and bins
seeking new positions

materials rotate
in drawers
and on wood floors
and slowly
a new abode takes shape

as I learn the scent
and creaks
absorb the sounds
and sights
of my new street

the great shift

He sits
with disappointed eyes
among my boxed things.
He knows
I'm leaving,
but something tells me
she doesn't -
the way she
pushes forward
making things fit,
asking
for help,
following a script.

Last time I was here,
things were different.
Now, thrice removed,
it has come again.
The great shift
of life,
categorized and
labeled.
Removing one home
to try and make another.
Leaving echoes
of existence that
sound out a fear
of letting go.

There's thunder
in the distance.
Rattling where
lasts transform firsts,
where routes
diverge,
and years spent
tending
and creating
memories
wash away
with each
step
towards 3511.

She knows now, too.
And the silence
of divide
is overwhelming.

all right

seems like everyone
talking bout this #catch
maybe it's the directness
or the no bullshit
slips of slight
but that cowgirl
got her straps
on tight
and still
those that don't
disappoint
come to mind
and she sighs
into the great night
relief for the ones
that are
all right

spice

positioned randomly
like a ginger passion
shingled slats
through white iron
maybe curry
or cumin
can attest
the sinner man
all along the way
a pinch
or pearl
invisible lines
brown stiripes
as to
sticky iridescent wings
swarming in saffron
trails
under new nails
holding on to
tricep chills
awakening
little girl
stills
of amber pulls
and a taste
out of reach

believe

the infamous golden backwalls
whisper murder in the third
dublin, auckland, havana
places, faces, dreams
catalog sign on destiny
like a splashing mass
in an ocean depth
assigned to listening
to second best
deviled combinations
like 8,12, 16
compose the finest notes
until curtains call
and the ripe has sung
every chord under
a blistering sun
that last aria of
spring
calls a mocking witness
to believe
excelsis in deo

fake it

the rooftops finally begin to evaporate
the same way energy sheds inches
something poignant is at hand
the dying lung knows
and dear prudence doesn't
wounds get licked
thoughts find resting places
while desires burn
the midnight pyre
she yells out a rain spotted window,
"and don't overlook the past"
oh, that funny thing
of sucking expectation
through a straw
while ambition
sits on the plate,
untouched.

attempts of sandwich

compulsive shrieks
echo
sideways movement
spacial awareness
complicates jags
and juts
habitual imaging
eye like
i possess
for some
catalog (at best)
of sore memories
reminders
of
she
tip toeing
into onslaught
tape and cat
heart beat living
head missing
each side
of grass
no reflection
in glass
pipe holes
back to
outlets
inlets
frayed components
seeking
electric
charges
in hopes
of jolting
that
old
soul

Seasoned Slice

"Where is my lemon slice?
Canis Major, can you bring it here?"

"Not until we dip around a little more."

"Well, I guess I will just have to wait then."

"Just enjoy the red star."

mapping

waiting for moments
like self destructing letters
occupying voids
with movement
as if
to reverberate
a rebound
of doubtful
sound
i see
linear boxes
in weeks
months
dreams to come
from the stairs
to the sky
half crescents
to blank blue prints
mapping
mapping
a chalk outline
of a life
intended to be lived
behind a yellow tape
of disappointment
still i scrub
sit up
type
the familiar ways
of because into how
with heavy fingers
and
heavy heart
wondering
which star
silently
knows the secret
a tenure of
experience
jumbled into
dusted living
beckoning to be unwound
with simple
action
and
mapping
mapping
whys into done
belt notches
forever snug
tipping hats
like this
and like that

networking nemesis

moments lost
in idle updates
the social network
modifies
the evolution
of things
faces lost in forgot
now found
in an evaporating mystery
of possibility
paths cross
if only
scheduled to meet
coincidence
narrowly
shrinks
in biting
technology
simplify
convenience
overload
sensory
magnify
conflict
until
surivial succumbs
to anagrams
of expression
and we're all
super connected
digital zombies
unable
to put down
sheaths of
superficial being
forgetting
those moments
lost
by consuming
binary backwash
could be
those moments
gained
by creating
something great

mortar

convincing fantasies
of x meets y
a soldier alibi
stranded on a peek
of human unrest
until it passes
under the sun
burning the morrow
before it begins
again
burying the unlikely
for the stable
because good
and bad
are all to have
in hindsight
some mistakes
are mistakes
and some
are life changing
better to pass
the butter
before losing shelter
of folded necks
sandy streams
of could bes
bricks like lessons
mortar reflections
sils, doors, window frames
raise up the pain
and quell
vapid betweens
so there's nothing more
than you and me

moon & me

it's just
moon and me
while the girl sleeps
silently
aligning
wrongs and rights
inevitably
of science
probability of
love

the decade dawns
as the twinkling twenties
dusks
twilight
musk
infinite bottled
like good wine
it all reaches
pivotal time
where hands hold
and words coax
the next
transition
of a soul
young and old

tis I
mother
tis I
sister
tis I Auntie
with
a warm blanket
of stars
wrapping the
world
with
the sun and moon
on a kite string

Insomnia

Reflections
Perfections
Stone
Bone
Sleep
Keep
Breaking
Taking
Tired
Wired
Yawn
Dawn
Deficent
Proficent
Stomach
Swallow
Today
Tomorrow

Chances and odds

Chances are
Apprehension
For nighttime nihilists
On wheelless wagons

Every inch
Unspared
By willess flares
Of deterioration

Fingers in holes
Sinking boats
A sole exhalation
Complicates nerves

Odds are
Against
Moral justice
In systematic hands

Watching for shadows
On the first of falls
Heart racing
Foreboding last calls

Walking in the wind

What to say
When I am no longer fazed
By hallucinations,
The unresolute
Or bad news.
Is becoming,
Numb?
Or is it coping
In the speak
Of strong?
The unknown
Is just that
Everything spinning,
Intersecting,
Circling.
Some days
It's visceral
Others
It's usual.
The truest moments
Encompass
A kiss,
An embrace,
A gaze.
Everything small
Is big,
And everything big,
Is small.
The pinhole
Is not rose colored,
But fire embers,
Loosely dancing,
To the wind's shiver.

Cabbage like hers
Tastes and scents
Complicated by
The lack of second comings
When wishing
Means nothing
To a childlike heart
Nickel and dime
Plastic rhyme
There's something
Going wrong
In every crevice
Cups overflow
Bacon burns
Below zero
Is it a learn
Or just darkeness
Behind rainbows

Sop

To clean
Constantly
Everything
But the tire
The damp
Reminder
Of
The wrong
And right place
I can factor
Till winter
Omens and
Not
Or just get
The bloody
Sop
Off the dirty floor
And
Grind these cogs
Some more

Imperfectly impositioned
Beyond fascination
Pinpoints steal my sanity
And the past
Isn't close enough
Behind me

Desolate

Wonder
As deep, dark blue
Of the night sky
Wide open
Like tomorrow
Anchors hold heavy
Annual aging
And the common misgauging
Of expectation
Will and might
Struggle and fight
Barefoot borders
Catalog misorder
In an easily found
Pile
That bears no reflection

Hum drum hours
Hum drum hum
Sweaty, itching, misunderstood
A veil of concrete
Covers gilded gold
Is it shame?
Is it psychic?
Is it just...
Putting parenthesis around
Bubbles of intention
Bubbles of confinement
Tis the foolish ideal
Super glue can mend
The broken
Or saying instead of doing
Ride it out
Heritage style
But somewhere lurks
The kinks that click
And get this
Old machine moving
Tumbleweed dreams
Dusty sheets
Overturned rulings
Biding the hum drum
With uncanny patience
And wanton periods
Counting the minutes
For lava
To molt
Yet another reel
Contaminate another facet
Before it becomes polished
Refined vs raw
An upright hunch
Fingers and thumbs
Trigger and guns
In half lit corners
Where shadows
should have been

So much so

It's so uncomly of me
So much so
These feel like strangers lips
And strangers fingertips
Where muffins mold
And historical imprints tell
The cyclic curse
Of nail bitten biding
Soul coughing
Straggling to see-through
For some (un)godly meaning
Sought in the forgotten
And elapsed
Sought in faces
That tell stories
Of dirt
Where the branches begin
So much so
That inevitably rises
And mental drifts
Memorize scripts
And chalk up
Because to of
Until
The saddle breaks
If it may
Like a loose shoulder
Strap
Perfecting
The unmade

Moments

And there are moments
When I could gobble
34 lbs of pure innocence
Swallow it down
And consider my life
Fulfilled
And then there are moments
I could purge
27 years worth
And consider a clean
Slate
And there are moments
Of lukewarm stillness
Where the past meets the future
And I am grateful
For my presence

Annabel

Annabel Annabel Where did you go?
I’ve looked high and I’ve looked low
I’ve looked low and I’ve looked high
Tell me where does the spirit go when you die?
Oh where does the spirit go when you die?

I have packed your satin gloves and lace
All the pictures of your pretty face
And I kept the ones of you on skates
And a picture from your wedding day

Annabel Annabel way up high
Are you kissing the starry birds in the sky
Will you come and visit us down below
Oh Annabel Annabel where did you go
Annabel where did you go?

You will miss the humming of the spring
And the winter won’t mean anything
And the summer is a lonesome dale
I am lost without you Annabel
I have lost my faith in everything
Annabel Annabel are you free?
Will you wrap me in your legacy?
In a blanket with your sweet perfume
I am always thinking thoughts of you.

Annabel Annabel where did you go?
I’ve looked high and I’ve looked low
Oh I’ve looked low and I’ve looked high
Tell me where does the spirit go when you die?
Oh where does the spirit go when you die?

- The Duhks

Acceptance

A stranger to my own kin
Under a new summer sweat
Every pore outwardly glistens
With every dying cell within

June hath merry the cloud
But September becomes December
And selfless love
Gets caught in the shroud

Every attachment that was
Now settles as
An old world in a new world
And transforms into a because

Twenty-seven was a fool's dream
The future of personal reach
Is is as random as a blink
Forever after is up to me

Consequence

That saddest face
I've ever seen
From a girl
Mostly void of meaning
The lines of man
And the trail left behind
The smiles forsaken
With every addictive jolt
What you lose
For what little is gained
The iron snake
Behind cold steel
Wondering is this real,
Is this real
Can she finally feel?

Freeze

The eyes of god follow
Close at night
The lull of a blind sun
Where a lunatic
Screams
Bloody murder
Bloody murder
Consumed by
Nankasi's nudge
Like the old feeling
Of eye
Drops
Pressure
Heart
Tear
The burning
Of relearning
Against the back
Of stubbornness
The clack of
Reminder
Drama
Love
Electrocution
Addiction
Words in a series
Words of an unclear query
Words of a broken
Mind
And a bleeding heart
Outline
White, red, gold
Slivers
Of blue light
Blanket
A stuttering kind

hallucinogenic living
Inhaling seconds
Exhaling the past
Heartbeat heralding
Solitude snailing
Veils of philosophy
And store bought existence
Disable connected living
Ramrod cars
Open bars
And smoking guns
Guilty distractions
From orange sands
And wet grass
Does the fortress
Protect or prevent
Save or spoil
A seeming neurotical noose
Even I can't get loose

smell of hot pavement and exhaust
lets me know
summer is fast approaching
i've stopped adding and started subtracting
this life from that
feeling every clink
of the ensuing tracks
do numbers matter
here or there
when now
is the inevitable care
sacrifice seems to
come with blood
as does warmth
and silent storage
preparation
of the mother kind
firsts, lasts, seconds
only some things
are preventative

the razor's egde

the river of my heart
floats
high tide
and low
praises
graze
like
silent
bullets
because
i'm bitter
for
being forced
to shoulder it
right hand
and left
what's
my personal best
kingdom come
for what
cannot be controlled
the razors edge
of the untold
broken this
night
and that
marches
i'll never
get back
lineage like
avocado trees
loose leaves
hard fruit
locked up
like
canine tooth
clenching
down
clamping in
too much,
too soon,
again.

whistle

over-function or bust
a servitude of wealth
greater than money
richer than honey
from auntie to mother
the daughter abides
by her coat of arms
even when everything
that kept her happy
goes with the dime
and now
another rises
to the sky
death on the doorstep
or the bathroom floor
what's less
and what's more
and no
she will not
give away her warm
biologically broken
over and under spoken
continually holding
on

harbor

pop another lid
despite the voice within
even the palms
do a dance
even though
it's never what i meant
i explain in dreams
that the severance
isn't what it seemed
but it doesn't matter
because lines were drawn
before i ever had a chance
a silence drawn carriage
where all i had was a hand
on a horse
greater than us both
and so
the winds go
from wood to metal
and the weather
is the only thing
between
flickering lights

surely

before the butterfly bails
to goose flesh and nails
it does a twitching dance
on every nine, six and four
call it a lawyer
call it a doctor
surely a broker
will hold open the door

before the battery runs out

a pardon
a struggle
an invisible bubble
the circumference of
a + b
equals
she & me
sacrifice
at the
turn of a dime
turns late nights
to early mornings
and shields me
from mourning
it spills out
in colors
and letters
shapes
and feathers
brushing the portrait
of a picture
lived
and never painted
and time
has me acquainted
too closely
with temperance
an art form
of grace
singing silently
and you
have to be brave

Anniversary

Fall and all attendant memories
Crowd the day with unrelated histories
Each year leaves its unresolving fantasies
To hang around each corner
Hang around each street.

Thick with ghosts, the wind whips round in circuitries
Carrying words as strangers exchange pleasantries
Do they intrude upon your private reveries
As they meet you on each corner
Meet you on each street.

Watch for daily braveries
Notice newfound courtesies
Finger sudden legacies
As they clean up every corner
Wash down every street.

Mark the month and all its anniversaries
Put away the draft of all your eulogies
Clear the way for all your private memories
As they meet you on each corner
Meet you on every street.

Make the time for all your possibilities.
They live on every street.

~Suzanne Vega

the 27 i
gilded golden
some idyllic
age
instead
interference
in the ides
of temperance
what art
comes of
loss and gain
where moments
fall behind
and spring forward

playing mommy

in my flats i hit the floor
feel face down
didn't help my heart out
and her momma left
before she came
before i lost
what magic
kept her happy
its never been a fantasy
of what she'd force me to be

don't judge me so harsh world
she's just a stand-in mommy
tell 'em my name
when you cross that
bridge i'll be holding her hand
and i'll never do her harm
from here to bethlehem,
i got a few friends

and i'll be here
as if ever was again
so when it counts
you get your way
i'm ashamed to say
you're my sister
a good friend
of blood's bolder
be her grave
i say it loud
playing jesus
so she won't lose out
somewhere the orchids grow
for the purple soul
talk about gloria
and nine months
to show

don't judge me so harsh world
she's just a stand-in mommy
tell 'em my name
when you cross that
bridge i'll be holding her hand
and i'll never do her harm
from here to bethlehem,
i got a few friends

when you get home
hoping
you know i'll be there
we'll be home
we'll be home
take you in my arms
do my best
to make it right

stranger to the present

way below
the likes of a
fruitful age
how expectation
and dreams
get lost
by all means
january jonesin
for relief
from the cataclysmic
aftermath
a stranger to
the present
too familiar
to forget it
a because
stranger
it's never
what i wanted
never
what i expected

denouement

and all the black flowers in the world
won't get her to 2010
the heaviest indifference
in 73 degrees
tidals upon
the last of
the best of
the worst of
i awake
to fitting news
a death
and
a birth
entries and exits
of this world
this year
this decade
make it go
make it stay
keep me safe
from the endless
wave
drowning age
and
changing company
blood spilled
separated
made
silently screaming
for relief
for a handshake
with the even

feelin like stardust
a half carton
from being home
(a shoulder strap
from being known)
thursday's remorse
is a friday's gain
when hallows wax
the orange and black game
theories of
history
in color
as if its
second nature
to know
yet first comes
like lilies grow
a puddle
a reflection
not seen
taxing tea
as if unloading
is ordinary
with rebuke comes
separation
and every reason
not to follow through
because blood
is just growing pains
a saddle
dusty before age
this is
the ride of way

calendars pull out
as october
rolls over
rolls over
gasoline guts
across the universe

anti somersault

as delicately as one
sips, gulps and swallows
sugar, honey or splenda
soothing flavoured agenda
ways that once won
ways of peacemaking navigation
do not apply
anymore

how leftovers
mold
with summer humidity
and the
freshly baked
fall in love
with winter's wind
somehow
the ingredients
mix
but don't compliment
lemonade with hot chocolate

defining myself
outside myself
leads to
disillusion
depending upon
holding out
or
giving in
creating edges
where there are
no boundaries
don't
suck me dry
before i
get a chance
to be alive

autumn begins

stepping over sweat
instead of cracks
train wrecks of burden
collide with sighs
once impenetrable emotions
turn about face
in the April ever after
this undecorated, sweet mess
rises like a cake
trading weights
for biology
no matter the sale
emotions are not
on discount
even though i dreamed
of my nostalgia up for auction
so now mommy's little girl
composes herself
of excuses and apologies
to account for the sinking
notion of inadequacy
the first of falls
begins without
a mappable series of solutions

manage

still biting and bruised
my scars show through
the billowing fog
carries on
yet i manage
heel to concrete
head down and up

mother

Out of the nest
It's time
Go go go now
Circus girl without a safety net
Here here now
Don't cry
You raised your hand for the assignment
Tuck those ribbons under your helmet
Be a good soldier
First my left foot
Then my right behind the other
Pantyhose
Running in the cold

Mother the car is here
Somebody leave the light on
Black Chariot for the redhead
Dancing dancing girl And when I dance for him
Somebody leave the light on just in case
I like the dancing
I can remember where I come from

I walked into your dream
And now I've forgotten how to dream my own dream
You are the clever one aren't you
Brides in veils for you
We told you all of our secrets
All but one
So don't you even try
The phone has been disconnected
Dripping with blood
And with time
And with your advice
Poison me against the moon

Mother the car is here
Somebody leave the light on
Black Chariot for the redhead
Dancing dancing girl And when I dance for him
Somebody leave the light on just in case
I like the dancing
I can remember where I come from

I escape into your escape
Into our very favorite fearscape
It's across the the sky
And across my heart
And I cross my legs
Oh my God
First my left foot
Then my right behind the other
Breadcrumbs lost under the snow
Mother
Mother the car is here
Somebody leave the light on
Somebody leave the light on just in case
I like the dancing
Mother

-Tori Amos

long gone day

So much blood I'm starting to drown
Runs from cold to colder
Time to time the sky's come down
To help me lose my way
Tears and lies for answers
You and open veins, God knows I'm gone
Girl I just want you to
Come on down
Lord it's a storm and I'm heading to fall
These sins are mine and I've done wrong, oh babe
Come on down

Long Gone Day
Mmmm, who ever said
We wash away with the rain

See you all from time to time
Isn't it so strange
How far away we all are now
Am I the only one who remembers that summer
Oh, I remember
Everyday each time the place was saved
The music that we made
The wind has carried all of that away

Long gone day
Mmmm, who ever said
We wash away with the rain

So many tears I'm starting to drown
The rain in heaven's all come down
Silver spoons affix the crown
The luckless ones are broken
Fears and lies for answers
You and open flames
God knows I'm gone
And I just want you to
Come on down, hmmm

Lord it's a storm and I'm heading to fall
These sins are mine and I've done wrong
I want you to, oh, I just want you to
Come on down

I fear again, like then, I've lost my way
And shout to God to bring my sunny day

-Mad Season

contagious

sometimes you feel the drain
and you can even see
the black clouds roll in
but you are not to blame
for you
when a heart can't be named
and a storm takes all the fame
no no you can't take it with you
desperate falling for a place
to return
you are not to blame
for the sea of revelry
can you bury the mistakes
in desert form
daring to believe in water
just because she is gone
doesn't mean it never mattered
or won't again
because you say it
doesn't mean dry mouths
are for dirty words
it means goodbye
because you say everything
but responsibility
it means this is not for you
and just because
you pull the chain
doesn't mean you can have
everything
without ever acknowledging
a god damned
thing
other
than
you

august winter

scattered like the
myrtle shedding of
August

I slowly (re)learn
the ides of attachment
and its governing
over a weak heart

even shallow script
points to it

and so I wrestle
with expecting

when there will be
no call
no call
at all.

too far in to pretend

size and bite show it
long sleeves
keep warmth
close to me
so I don't get
too cold
being alone.

An empty nest

pale blue pillow
darkened by
falling tears
i used to crave
the quiet
and now chaos
so far away


the builders protect
but i removed all their nests
dismissing signs
a mourning right

and so it goes with
every reason to not know
i can press, glide and circle
from present to past
looking down like
red eyes should
so i might
claim a little correctness
to fill in the pot holes
of the neglected
captured like light
should
and not the 0's and 1's
of the eager etched
yes that present
to which your will
so seemingly could have
succumbed
it's not like you're
the only one

and so it goes
the tides turn
and numbers compute
the mathematics of living
in this metaphor and that symbolism
like a body better know at best
in single armor and strength attributes
like a lady
never admitting
ill-repute
broken like a sentence
and a first impression
the bed of collection
no i won't be afraid

shut

as sneaking as
the rainstorm overhead
and
evermore penetrating
my soul
is the sound of a
closing door
on the bottom floor
click.
shut. done.
so brutally absolute
the audible utterance
of a truth
(i can't see through)
and i wasn't even
thinking about her
this is how
coping goes
moving me with a sound
showing me where it all ended
(or begins)
the sole witness
surviving the ever after
with vultures on
my back
forcing myself
to believe
there's a
black haired angel
smiling on me

what is loving worth
the joy of interaction
or the salvation in solitude?
not being able to handle
or not being able to choose?
can a spirit influence action
well after its gone?
can tomorrow
right all the wrongs?
the courage to accept the unknown
tis the insight to growing?

so hungry
so dry
but still alive
so wet
so cold
so confused
too cloudy
to see through
but the speak
falls so eloquently
as if i've already lived
demand for care
amounts
and my bitten hands
juggle
the weight
fumbling grace
on a tight axis
of delicacy and patience
the processing of
black and white
in the vision of color
bracing on edges
when time runs out
and the alarm goes off
cough

how close is comfort
how late is justifiable
how weak is principle
in the ropes desire

how durable is this body

yawns generally follow tears
when night turns to morning
in the exaltation of love, hopes and fears
simply not knowing is the burdening of the present
(or the oversight that you do)
the bigger picture is at hand,
surely
and some eggs won't hatch
accounting on assumption
the gravest default of the mind
Actuality
the darkest find
and the cocks don't add up
the rooster crows
and i refuse
to wake up

algebra of blood

doors open and close
without my control
the moon does a halo
'round my house
am i so different
a white seed
something other
than the black sheep
the matter holds all the weight
but knowledge saved
for another day
silent circles click
and she will always
be sick
i cannot see beyond this
still taunted with dreaming
amethyst the elephant seeming
how many lives
can be handed over
for a dark soul's slumber
am i my mother's equation
or just a denominator to
a factor

the sinking in
of mortality reality is
colder than the chill of wet skin
breaking the wind
the idle simplicities
of Being raise
the stark absence
of the one who always
looked out for me
(i could not lie to you
or hide from you
i always told you the truth)
and now i've got no one
to run to
my sisters keep me strong
but the hole is wider
than a week
my remaining lifetime
without
she's gone
the seams have been
ripped apart
and nothing fits
this body at 26
all the times
so unseemingly apparent
the void hangs heavy
in the hearts of need
and dependency
no answers
only questions
and bleak wondering
an abandoned home
no place to feel safe
or comfort in change

broken and bruised
exhausted and dry
impatient and aggravated
without a because or why

I only wanted to be here for 6 months.
Everything changed.
Belief in chaos
resurrected in the assurance
of adversity.
The inability for the consistency
proves futile
in the efforts of
regulation and reason.
Planning therefore
must be treason
to the name of present
insistence
blistered lips
and black nails
tangible trails
of a life
attempting living
dancing around the flame
of forget
and penance.
One cannot
raise
the ancient
from the dead
with raccoon cries
and smoldering alibis
when the road east
goes left
and chanting doesn't
summon the second
third coming
empty handed
philosophy
spoken
sunrise sunday
in the heart of fake
waning for mourning break
when scent captures
coat tails and
a disappearing tradition
grasping grasping
the transition
of the cosmic slave

skin of a drum

"And I can't become my father when it's all been said and done
His completions won't complete me
I've divided me by one, I'm the answer to his riddle
I'm the caution of his wind
I'm the spoon wedged between tongue and teeth beneath his trembling grin
And I dare add my revision for I dare not suffer twice and I dare not reinvent the past
And I dare not be the Christ and I welcome any sufferer
And I welcome any Steph
Sitting in this room, on wooden bench, waiting for Shawn to call
And I suffer here alone, Lord
Perturbed by my every thought
How I've tried to strip them to the bone I've struggled and I've fought
Every jealous warped intention, smuggled, sewn into genes
Every hidden mongrel tendency exploiting me in me

Each time I put them under but still they wanna test me
I cry out through the thunder...
You storm right past me...
I search and I ponder...
I question and wonder... I roar and I thunder, please, let me in

I've been waiting here for what now seems the better of an hour
I've raised every crippled question from the dead and given power to the absence of my sanity
The presence of a fear that lies in between forgotten dreams that pile up every year
Up above the highest testaments, down below the wooden floor
There's a gutted room, pitch black at noon, beneath a hidden door
Deep within, you'll find the attributes of every sunken woman
Who must bang her head against the dead each day she tries to stand
And she's standing pressed against the very man that she loves
Kissing eyes and lips, embracing hips, surrendering to his touch
And just at the very moment that she touches heart to heart
She pulls from his touch, 'cause it's too much to mend what's torn apart

Each time I put them under but still they wanna test me
I cry out through the thunder...
You storm right past me...
I search and I ponder.
I question and wonder... I roar and I thunder, please, let me in

It's so hard to be the woman I would be if hatred and fear no longer appeared
I swear I've become the skin of a drum, the heart of a man, divided I stand"


-Saul Williams, with my edits.

transfuse

the indigo passover
of clouds back lit by moon
a chilly april night
plays the wind chimes
i succumb to a hundred emotions
in the tide of red
i miss, i curse, i look forward
transition springs
(i'm losing things)
to calculate the shift of wind
becomes a tiring task
instead, i marvel overhead
hoping that onlooking
and participation
merit worth
even if latitudes and bank accounts
don't match

take me to oak hill
a finders keep
where the body finds function
and miles mean deliverance
when minutes don't matter
alongside sake of it
take me to oak hill
while firetrucks wait at home
because living is
all too electrical
and may moves closer to april

and we make it up as we go along

and the paint sticks to me
like white lined dreams
i can't bear waking early
when i know the day that
awaits for me
the orange alert
keeps me escapingly tucked
in lavender trenches
toll roads aren't only for change
they are
what makes one sane
in the fleeting game of make
before you believe

bate

it's too late for orange surprise
and too early for the painting
of white lines
up for no good
up from where i should
too bitten to be sure
too scattered to be her
the comfort of myself
never felt so good
even though the marks
show through
this 26, savory and un
brinking the perfect run
makes the perfect shape
in the outline of bate

over easy

burdens unfold
like an open road
the heaviness hangs
in concrete gray
the notion of love
reserves itself
only for blood
finding my feet
in a horizon of contrails
and life's ceaseless continum
is a task
as daunting as aging
but the silky blanket
of fluid movement
keeps my bare feet
shuffling on hot pavement

mircosoft

I come with factors








a hidden history haunts
holding hands as
mother maid did
a good life given

narcissistic negligence
a wreckless disregard



wrinkles come apparent with thought
and curtain calls

as

its too late
to save anything
to complete
the elusive mystery
so silently swallows
another biding juice
back against
the railing of roost
the clover will disappear

when temperance
draws near
the songs aren't
what i think
and enter
is a fleeting
space away

something

on the jump
cause its
gemstone luck
perspective jaded
but desperate hearts club
created
the master of will
and thought
keeping my wind
free of clogs
the elusive awaits
patience
chile
with your short fingers
and iron dreams
the oyster loves
publicity
and truth on the beat
crackle the pop
short a cow head
on a sock
lots and space
availabilty
for rent
only the departed
can't stay
no no
dessert
cannot taste
any other way
the smoking gun
of a cat's love
keeps the 20s
tidy with dreams
surely
the notion
will amount to something
before
opportunity sleeps
in the comfort of
fall leaves
no no
she can still be
everything,
if something.

Lifeline

"Life is much too short to sit and wonder
Who's gonna make the next move and will slowly pull you under when you've always got something
to prove?

I don't want to wait a lifetime
Yours or mine, yours or mine
Can't you see me reaching for the lifeline?

You say that I misheard you but I think you misspoke
I hear you laugh so loudly while I patiently await the joke

I don't want to wait a lifetime
Yours or mine, yours or mine
Can't you see me reaching for the lifeline?
The lifeline, the lifeline

It's a crime with only victims
We're all laid out in a row
It's hardest to listen to what we already should know

I could hold out for a lifetime
Yours or mine, yours or mine
Can't you see me reaching for your lifeline?
The lifeline, your lifeline, the lifeline"

-Ben Harper

what you leave behind
what you wouldn’t
what you did
your effect on
memory
how you approach
a stranger
an incident
an acquaintance
what you leave behind
cannot change
so start today

horse & i

organic preservation

this aint right
there is something
wrong
despite appearances
the smile overcasts sadness
not even an acquaintance
can penetrate
no longer giving
what the heart
can't amount
call it
emotionally green

teflon

counterweight
dyed and shift
trimmed
pot picked
savior prick
nothing sticks
to teflon

tale

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,

it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness,

it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity,

it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness,

it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair,

we had everything before us, we had nothing before us,

we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way

- in short, the period was so far like the present period,

that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received,

for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only."

Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

ooh wee ooh wee oooh

keep your eyes on
shoulder cuffed
and armed with luck
it slides over the motion
of mere existing
slowly
from her lip
you fall in
the abyss of dream
want, succumb
this is not how you
undone
yes
just look up
to keep your face on
because it wasn't told
how it would fit
hit or miss
stolen into bliss
carbonmade
maid of season
made of treason
because loneliness haunts
and you find no where
to feel the music
of your go
rise on
even if it is not what you
want
the key stroke will
lead you home

vacancy

can we make it stop
even though
we never really listened
where do we go
when there is nothing
left to run to
where do we go
when i question home
the stars only lead me
into the cold arms of
deserts and dreams

futile

and the flowers will come
after strawberries
the grass greener than winter
the ocean warmer
shoulders bared
for heartache spared
the deep blue
of springing forward
an immigrant
or a solider
the ides of this march
uncharted
roulette or mice
the odds of endurance
our whole lives are risk
and what's winning
conquering, salvaging,
memorable
eye lined
and out of time
for refuse
just the blanket
of tomorrow
keeping today warm
the chase of
suspension
in the circle of life
the meant for Right
naming the elusive
a futile effort
of passing

picture fall
silent omens
the cosmos telling
that titles indicate
infiltration
for better
or
for worse
stacking sadness
alongside hope
into the dresser
drawers of my soul
these bullets
don't come
with batteries
no amounts
of professing
could save
anything

secret

do i feel better now
spilled and shard
broken and burned
the ruiner
of self-destruct
make my luck
forgo dessert
for the truth
of worth
and the good news
says forgive anyway
i am a slave
to irony
to retribution
over and up
let me be reborn
a better person

i tell you, it's pouring
hell on high water
yet still dry enough
for a firestarter

shelter

standing
on my own
two feet
standing
alone
for once
the forgotten
faces of a decade
the new blooms
that emerge
death and rebirth
skin shed
layers peeled back
the pungent onion
infiltrates the air
ready or not
here it comes
there it goes
five foot three
a leaf like all
the others
spiraling in the breeze
the spring mix
sans the freeze
how i have
let she hide
in guise
in a lovers interest
but i'm exhausted from
paying twice over
for red rover
red rover
where have you been
abundant turn over
take cover

gateway

sometimes
i take the long
way home
to pass by
my childhood roads
yesterday,
i saw the face
of north 40th street
change
how badly i
still want it
to exist
flatlined
into cement
memories
over 2 decades old
now curbside rubble
for the next
20 year show
the nostalgia
permeates
i now fathom
the heartbreak of
razed
from bombs
to gentrification
the distinct removal
of the tangible
only left living
in the presence of memory
and
street view
i chase away
sadness knowing
somewhere
it still stands

inflight, in fight

you have no idea
do you


could i find refuge
in the nest of you
a safe place
to leave face
a safe place
to fall apart
to let myself go
even if just
for a mo

but you can't see
through me
you don't
i so desperately desire
the man of my
release
compatible symmetry
i've been
lost like a
dandelion spur
drifting until
i land

get well flowers crumble
the life of ago disintegrates
into the shortest month
the high erased
from the voice of strength
calm comes clean
and leaves despair
to the beeping machines
no one said it'd be easy
i've come so close
from not being far away
pinned to the sake
you make waves
and you play
with an eagle's fame
spilling over the shape of things
easy like a snake
because primal doesn't change
no, no
the pattern cannot stay

you are not who i am
she is not who i was
looking into the great divide
the open sky
spread like chance
open handed
dance
you are not to blame
for
you
desert speak
in teary eyed dreams
daring the kings
to dance
for
you
because we say goodbye
doesnt mean
the ripples dont stain

horses

I got me some horses
to ride on, to ride on
they say that your demons can't go there
so I got me some horses
to ride on, to ride on
as long as your army keeps perfectly still

And maybe I'll find me a sailor
a tailor
and maybe together we'll make mother well
so I got me some horses
to ride on, to ride on
as long as your army
keeps perfectly still

You showed me the meadow
and Milkwood and Silkwood
and you would if I would
but you never would
so I chased down your posies
your pansies in my hosies
then opened my hands and they were empty then

Off with Superfly
sniffing a Sharpie pen
honey it's Bill and Ben
off with Superfly
counting your bees
oh me honey like
one two three
the camera is rolling
it's easy like one, two, three

And if there is a way to find you
I will find you
but will you find me if Neil makes me a tree
an afro, a pharaoh
I can't go, you said so
and threads that are golden don't break easily

I got me some horses
to ride on, to ride on
they say that your demons can't go there
so I got me some horses
to ride on, to ride on
as long as your army keeps perfectly still




-Tori Amos

no definitely

she flutters
at the difficulty
the easy breath
is a thing of the past

pull me out of it
i can't dance
around it
the covers mix
palomino

the sounds of suction
beeps of living

hands fumbled
in misdirection

the grip comes from
the left

cannot coordinate

a voice one does not recognize

only one eye
on to keep
spasm

big girl shoes
trudge through

monitor

who guilty living
while she's stuck
barely there


tomorrow is indeed
a question
a possibility

there is no definitely

could that be the cause of it

gray matter
seeps the sky
darkens my heart
the heaviness filters
black and white light
i debate
little things
an uncapitalized letter left
a garment worn
or not
material
superstition
that could
save or break
a way i can
seemingly
manuever
change
the gray lining
is all around
its seeping
where i can't see now
where i can't reach
daily vigils
chasing haunts
uncertainty looms
guilt pulls from below

falling off, growing up

and another flower falls
that's two down
the third will
follow soon
and still
ripe buds
swell
even if
in the shade
dual stems
flowering
dying
and living
all the same
reaching towards
the sunshine
of brighter
days

tiger eye

twas friday the 13th indeed
but it depends on how you read
another day versus
coincidence
that i am still in the
same sweat
and clothes as
friday morning
between
art and midnight
strapless
and hopeful
flat and jacked
on brick paved
streets
2 tired
empty
blunt delays
by 4 am
i'm spared
and on my way
the end of the
night
always comes
no matter thirteens
i have an
upright thumb

momma

a prayer
a wish
a spell
whatever
is sent
to the heavens
i hope
it makes
you well

repression

sick from
swallowed emotion
the spit fire
indigestion
of life lessons
upchuck
the worry
upchuck
the awkward
upchuck
all i can't say
upchuck
insolence
nasty way
of
still stomaching

runnin'

Run to the place you know is home
Come lately come alone
I'll be waiting, I'll be waiting for you
Midnight rendez-vous
Round the back where
I'll meet you, just do what you do
I'll meet you, just do what you do

Run to the place you know is home
Come lately and alone

I am afraid of many things,
I am afraid I have to fight the fears
sometimes I am afraid to walk the streets
Sometimes I am afraid to talk to people
Sometimes I am afraid to be whom
Sometimes I am afraid I lost contact with [my family, my mother and my brother]
Sometimes I am afraid to be all that you can be, all that I can be
I have seen into another lifetime upon all the lifetime

Run to the place you know is home
Come lately come alone

Run to the place you know is home
Come lately come alone

Fall apart
Sometimes I need to
Fall apart
Sometimes I need to

Sometimes I need to fall apart
Sometimes we need to fall apart
Somtimes we need, we need to

Would you fall apart for me
Would you fall apart from me

Would you bring together all that is good between you (between you) and me

Gotta keep on runnin
I gotta keep on runnin
Gotta keep on runnin
I wanna keep on runnin
Gotta keep on runnin

Run to the place you know is home
Hide in the shadow of my soul

Run to the place you know is home
Hide in the shadow of my soul
Come lately and alone

Trust in these things
Loyalty, responsibility

Loyalty, responsibility hopeless
Be responsibly hopeless

Trust in these things
Loyalty responsibility determination determination loyalty
trust in these things

these are the things I hope
feel inside
what about the rest? Yes yes

some men like his music blue

some men like jello
I can love ur music too
for you were a fine fellow
To be paid with so much so
Tears right from my eyes
It is no surprise
we were together at the ball
and pple do this pple do that pple just regret the fact that life is so
Do you know the power that grows
Do you know the power that flows
Do you know the power that grows and dissolves

keep on runnin
I got to keep on runnin
I wanna keep on runnin
I gotta keep on runnin

Run to the place you know is home
Come lately and alone
Come lately and alone
Run to the place you know is home
Come lately and alone


-FFD

you
with the candy cane
intentions
yes
you
come
closer

donuts

oh donuts. sweet donuts.
i love you mauricios.
lynne, i can't wait.
the bird in you
chirps
ever closer.
come hither
under the wing
of the free
and true
come with us
to find you.
and donuts.

27 Thangs

I wasn't going to do this, but I was tagged by several people on the social networks of myspace and facebook. So I decided to do it and post it here as well. Instead of the 25 or 28, I am doing 27 since that is the age I will be this year:

1. I hate Styrofoam.
2. I think about being with Ariel in New Zealand at least once a day.
3. I am scared of not having a job.
4. I still want to travel the world for at least a year. I’d prefer to do this with a girlfriend. More adventures occur with friends.
5. I tend to make men into myths.
6. I would like to spend at least a minimum of 3 months in a Spanish speaking country so I can learn the language and have bilingual children.
7. I wish I remembered more dreams.
8. I still want to sky dive before I am 30.
9. My forgiveness is a fickle bitch.
10. I feel different everyday. It makes committing like a shot in the dark.
11. One of my strangest fears is that I will lose my glasses when/if Armageddon comes.
12. I think about punching someone in the face at least once a day.
13. Being the first person at a red light makes me happy.
14. I miss smelling the gardenias at Tampa Palms.
15. I love the ocean, especially the drive over the Howard Frankland that generally precedes it.
16. I wish I had a better sister. That’s why my friends are so valuable to me. They are my sisters instead. I find my reasons for being reflected in their faces.
17. I like having plans to look forward to.
18. I have too many ongoing personal projects. They kind of suffocate me.
19. Sometimes I am too nice for my own good.
20. I’m still kind of pissed I wasn’t born with any natural talents besides guessing.
21. I enjoy gardening and growing very much.
22. I have dreamt the future.
23. 70% dark chocolate is just right.
24. Things not flushed (aligned) irk me.
25. I wish I was an early bird, but like my grandmother, I am a night owl.
26. I cannot stop myself from compulsively eating tootsie rolls if they are around.
27. I care more than you think.

no one is home
no she is not there
anymore
too many hospital beds
in one week
too many dying shes
under the guise
of january
the name of the game
is muerte
turn over
palm and up
over fork over
calling my blood
the spirits of brick
50/50
tartan schtick
even rodents
know the route
of late night
trains
the way
tracks are paved
and wins made
every ounce
put into it
the virtue of
casting
for
shit